After considerable reflection, I’ve come to the most important decision of my life. I hereby announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America.
When discussing history and politics with my BHS students, some of them urge me to become president and so, considering their wisdom, I’ve decided to run. I will bring to the presidency a solid education, experience in both the church and the classroom, and a significant psychiatric history that will help me manage the cray-cray that is our nation’s capital.
I understand that a presidential hopeful typically waits for his party’s nomination before naming a running mate, but given my unorthodox candidacy, I believe it important to let the American people know who might succeed me should I be unable to serve.
I’ve chosen Kim Jong-il, the North Korean leader, as my running mate. Understanding there might be some minor complications with him serving as Vice-President, I ask the reader’s forbearance whilst I make my case for this unusual, but ultimately, very wise choice. First off, the brother knows nukes. He’s got his own and he’s made it clear that he has no hesitation about using them. What better person to be a heartbeat away from the presidency than some crackpot who can bluster about, threatening the world’s survival if he doesn’t get his way? Additionally, the best way to contain North Korea, is to bring North Korea into the family of nations. The best way to do that is to bring Kim into the White House.
As to my fix for the country, I present Polley’s High Five, my five point agenda that I will enact in my first 100 Days as your president.
Healthcare is my top priority. I will submit legislation that stipulates that the percentage of lawmakers who have health insurance is the same percentage of those who have health insurance in our nation. If a third of our citizens are uninsured, well, then a third of our senators and congressmen and women go without quality healthcare. That might help make some progress.
Out border is my second priority. As a border dweller myself, I, unlike any other candidate running this cycle, am well positioned to solve this problem. In place of a costly wall, we will build a lovely mote along our southern edge. People, this is a good idea. We will fill the thing with Jell-O. Lots of folks like Jell-O, but only a few busty coeds ever really get in the stuff.
Issue number three: Education. I will submit legislation directing members of Congress to teach in a K-12 public school Monday-Friday in their home states or districts. I’m guessing once lawmakers have some classroom experience, they might be ready to make the necessary changes to our struggling education system. Lots of teachers grade and prepare on weekends. Lawmakers can do their lawmaking then. How hard is it to push a little yes/no/abstain button? Please.
Next, Social Security Reform. I’ve just taught about Social Security and Roosevelt’s New Deal to my juniors. In order to guarantee that Social Security stays solvent and able to support my students when they retire in a long, long time from now, I propose congressional salaries AND pensions only get paid if everyone else gets paid. That’ll get their attention. Punks.
Priority Five: The Family. Lots of folks bemoan the loss of the two-parent, heterosexual family system. I get it. I came up in that system. It’s not all bad. It’s not all good. Remember, I’m the one with the significant psychiatric history.
My administration will build the world’s first-time machine. Using the time machine, law makers can go back in time on congressional junkets. (God knows, if I’m elected, they’ll be more than ready to get out Washington for a few days.) They can research the ‘good ole days’ when Ozzie and Harriet raised Wally and the Beav-while Senator Joseph McCarthy took a page out of Stalin’s playbook and wreaked havoc in our land. Lawmakers can visit the South before civil rights legislation and observe how the two parent, heterosexual system responded to the notion that white and black children can learn together under the same roof.
If I am elected your President, it won’t be easy, especially because when Congress learns it has to teach high school. Members will be quite swift with their letters of impeachment. Consequently, I’ll need to act fast to implement my reality checks. My proposal for a Jell-O mote and a Congressional time-machine may appear strange, but no stranger than a government of a great country with abundant resources failing to run it well. I accept that Kim Jon-il is an unorthodox choice for VP. But, with him as my potential successor, maybe I’ll have more time than I think. I’d appreciate your Vote.