President Trump’s declared State of Emergency is very much in the news and his controversial action faces legal challenges in the courts and in Congress. I will not contribute to the current morass and weigh in with my opinion on the matter. As a person of significant influence in Cochise County, I will instead use my privileged perch as an elite columnist (I’m really part of the borderline intelligentsia, truth be told) and encourage our citizenry to act as responsibly as possible during the SOE (acronyms become very important during crises like these) and assist our president as best I can. The following instructions are critical if we are to combat the threat the President has identified; a threat we have neglected to recognize for many years.
First, clear identification is paramount. Military personnel and their equipment are everywhere. So that our troops do not misidentify us as nefarious types, I urge the whole county to hightail it to Walmart (listen Walmart haters, we don’t have time for your liberal boycott nonsense right now, this is a SOE) and purchase an emergency survival kit, you know, the kind that come with the aluminum foil survival blankets and other goodies.
When, as the President says, the criminal hordes push through our border with their water jugs and children, we have to be ready and we have to be identifiable as the people who belong here not the people who want to belong here. Each citizen must tailor and customize their survival blankets and wear it constantly. Remember the film, Animal House? Remember the toga parties? That’s the look we’re after MTW (metallic toga wear).
Please use yellow emergency tape-the kind law enforcement employs to identify a crime scene- to secure your MTW. Hardware stores have this tape in abundance. Comrades, don’t neglect your cincture. When it hits the fan, we’ll all need to move fast. If your budget allows, pick up some of those night vision goggles. Those will be critical-and fun to fool around with- when it hits the fan at nighttime.
Make sure your survival kit includes a whistle. If you need a lanyard, let me know. I have more lanyards laying around than Trump advisers have indictments. Do not, I repeat, do not spend a dime on a whistle lanyard. Send the money you save to the President, he’s very much open to all kinds of creative funding for his border wall.
The whistle must be worn at all times, even to bed. Look people, this a National State of Emergency. Presidents don’t just declare these things on a whim. Take the SOE seriously and take your whistle to bed. When you see suspicious activity or anything out of the ordinary, like art or good music or kindness and sane people living in community, you blow that bad boy till your cheeks hurt. Wake us up. That’s what’s so important about the President’s declared SOE. It’s waking us all up. It’s getting us ready. It’s preparing us. Do you remember Tele Tubbies? Remember how they helped each other and supported each other even though they spoke in a digitized gibberish that still irritates me? With our safety gear, we will be like a group of monochromatic TeleTubies, patrolling our streets, blowing our whistles in the dark, wondering why everything has a strange green hue to it.
Paisanos, do not lose the candles that come with your emergency survival kit! Here’s why. Obviously, you’ll be able to use them for light and sealing envelopes if the electricity or your saliva glands fail. When countries become edgy about their edges, then it’s time to worry about your digits. However well -intentioned, a SOE can go awry and the government can get wacked. We can respond to this possibility with our own initiative, Declaration WTF (Where’s The Felons?).
Not too many of us are felons and we want to stay that way. Use the candles from your SOE kit and melt a little wax onto each of your fingertips, making sure to cover your fingerprints. The wax hides your prints (feels good too) and the government’s SOE drone scanners (as ubiquitous as those lanyards, especially around here) can’t determine your identity.
I understand if some of these measure seem excessive, disturbing even. Let me remind you that the real disturbance comes from the President himself. He’s using his authority to disturb us from our slumber and alert us to a clear and present danger. It has been said that “vigilance is the price of liberty.” Let us heed his call and do our part. Amen.